Weakest Link : Gundam Wing Style
by Elly And The Gundam Wing Fan
Summary: The gundam pilots compete on the Weakest Link game show!
1. Part 1

            Yes, we are unstoppable!  Our next little tale of humor is based upon the Weakest Link game show.  Causing us deep sorrow, we own neither Gundam Wing, the characters within, the Weakest Link, or the dreadful personality of mentioned show's hostess.  We only make an attempt to shine a little joy… not infringe upon anybody's copy writes.  And now, for the tale!

The Weakest Link: Gundam Wing Style 

            Grim, grim, grim.  Another one of Quatre's charity drives.  He _claims_ this will be fun, but everybody knows what's going to happen.

            "Do we _have_ to do this?" Hilde wailed.  "We're just going to make fools of ourselves."

"That's _exactly_ what I was thinking!" Heero allowed a glimmer of anger to seep threateningly to Quatre's booth.

            The gundam pilots, minus Wufei (who would have nothing to do with this), were assembled at the Weakest Link studio, preparing for the dreaded hostess to appear and ravage them all with her British mockery.  Ah, yes: The Weakest Link Special Edition!  With special guests, the gundam pilots and close associates, Relena Peacecraft, Milliardo Peacecraft, Hilde Schrebeiker, and Dorothy Catalonia!  Who will survive?

            "It _will_ be fun!" Relena winked goofily.  "I'm glad I don't have to watch from the audience this time!"

            Heero groaned with remembrance.  He recalled Relena's impetuous cheering during his stunt on the Who Wants to be a Millionaire show.  That was bad enough, but to have her sitting directly to his right… this was going to be an exceptionally long night.

            "Thank you, Relena!" Quatre lifted his eyes from the panel in front of him.  "I'm nervous enough without having everybody complaining."  It was true.  The blonde pilot looked as pale as something you might discover in a graveyard, but his winning personality prevailed.  There is very little this world can do to keep Quatre Winner down.

            "Well, as long as this game isn't _rigged_ I'll be perfectly happy." Duo said.  "You know I could _really_ use the money guys."

            "Yeah… what about that trip to the Bahamas you promised me?" Hilde teased.  "And then you blew the first question and didn't bring _any_ cash back."  Her face turned to a sad frown.  "We've _gotta_ win this time, Duo!"

            "You all are taking this so seriously." Trowa muttered.  As always, an unreadable confidence hovered around the spiky-haired pilot.

            "This is boring!" Milliardo aka Zechs Marquis complained.  "I should be out blowing things up right now."

            "So true." Heero conceded.

            "I second that." Dorothy agreed wistfully.  "A war would be so nice right now… hey!  How about it you guys?"

            The answer was unanimous.  "NO!"

            "Hey!" A stagehand got everybody's attention.  "Get ready, you've got three minutes before filming begins."

            Quatre shuddered violently.  "I'm ready… I'm ready… I'm ready… I'm ready!"  Where had his brave piloting exterior gone?

            "You'll do fine.  Just watch out for those tricky geometry questions." Duo snorted ridiculously.  "I mean _really_!"

            "I can't wait to get this over with." Heero snarled.  "They have a metal detector here."  Everybody had flashbacks of Heero winning a million dollars by answering questions on Millionaire with his gun.  However, nobody was entirely sure anything, let alone a crazed teenager with a death wish would intimidate this host.

            "I've heard that this host lady is kinda scary." Relena admitted.  "Will you protect me, Heero?"

            "Why are you asking _him_?" Zechs was startled.  "I'm your _brother_ after all!"

            "Yeah, why don't you ask him?" Heero pointed hopefully.

            "No!  You are much more dreamy!" Relena demanded.  "And I know you won't be the Weakest Link!"

            "You wanna bet?" Duo chuckled.  "Yeah, let's make a bet, Heero.  If you get voted off before I do…"

            "What?" Heero looked somewhat interested.

            "You're going to dye your hair BLUE!  Bwa ha ha ha!  Hee hee hee hee!  Ho ho ho ho!"

            "Fine.  And if you get voted off before I do, then you're not going to be allowed to talk for a WHOLE YEAR!"

            "Gasp.  You're serious?  I know I can beat you though.  Deal's on!"

            "Duo!" Hilde screamed.  "Is that wise?  Remember Millionaire!"

            "Filming starts in 5, 4, 3, 2…" The stagehand gestured frantically.

            **"And now,"** the announcer's voice rang across the stage into the audience, who had been filing into the auditorium steadily.  **"It's time for the WEAKEST LINK!"**

            "I hope that's the only time they plan on saying that." Hilde moaned.

            **"And here is your _replacement_ host…"**

            Eight worried souls looked at each other.  Replacement?

            **"Wufei Chang!!!!"**

            "WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTT?!" The response was mutual among the contestants.  "!!?!?!?!?!?!??!!??!?!?!?!?!"

            To everybody's increased despair, Wufei took his place at the podium, looking very sly and British.  Okay, maybe more sly than British, but you _can_ picture that right?  "Welcome to… the WEAKEST LINK!"  Uh-oh!  "Let's meet our pitiful collection of contestants!  Keep in mind that all but one of these players will go home with the shame and horror of being voted off the show by fellow players.  But they will deserve their new titles… the WEAKEST LINK!!!!!  So anyway…"

            "What are you doing?" Trowa opened his eyes enough to confirm Wufei's conspicuous presence.  "Shouldn't you be out blowing things up?"

            "YES!" Dorothy leaped.

            "Shut up foul… LINK!  I hope you become thoroughly disgraced!" Wufei's response was worthy of a certain British regular on this show.  "I have always thought you were incredibly… WEAK!  No more interruptions… or I'll have to cast votes of my own!"  The room fell silent.  Wufei's control was unmistakable.  "Anyway, the contestants positions have been randomly selected before the show, the first player is Relena Peacecraft, former queen of the world who ruled with utter annoyance and naivety."  Relena motioned to interrupt, but Heero stopped her.  Maybe he had been looking out for her all along.  "And to her right, Heero Yuy, famed assassin and all around cruel person.  Good traits here, folks, but will he withstand the rigors of mindless trivia?  Milliardo Peacecraft, stupid name, stupid person, see _you_ backstage after you're booted, freak.  Dorothy Catalonia, all around weirdo and lover of wars… WEIRDO!  Trowa Barton, were you even born with vocal cords?  This circus star uses more hair spray than the o-zone layer can handle.  That's why they keep him locked up in tents.  Quatre Winner, probably _not_ much of a winner, but quite rich so suck up to him now if you can take his brainless attitude.  Duo Maxwell… BOOO!  What a complete LOSER!  This guy's a JUNK collector for heaven's sake… time to add that ridiculous hairpiece to your pile!  Hilde… who would even _try_ to pronounce your last name?  And stop copying Noin's fashions you LOSER!" Wufei had to stop for breath.

Much blinking was traded among insulted guests.  "I'm ready…" The horror of the situation was mind blowing.

"YOU, Quatre, are the WEAKEST LINK!" Wufei shouted.  A stagehand ran over nervously and Wufei glared around angrily as he whispered in his ear.  "Okay fine, I'm not supposed to say that yet… BUT YOU WILL BE!"

Quatre looked utterly stunned and on the verge of tears.  Trowa shook his head with pity… the rich kid wasn't going to last long.

"These weak stagehands tell me we must play a STUPID game first.  The rules are: you play as links on a chain.  You need to use teamwork, fatheads, or you won't get any money.  You move up the chain in an effort to gain $125,000.  Each correct answer will bring you closer to your goal, but an incorrect one will send you all the way back to the beginning… you'll be able to blame these occurrences on your idiotic neighbors but you'll get a chance to get back at them later.  Remember that only money that has been banked will go on to the next round, which you can do by saying the word 'bank' before your question is asked."

"Can you repeat that?" Duo asked smugly.

"YOU, Maxwell, are the WEAKEST LINK!" Wufei noticed the stagehand waving his arms and sighed.  "Never mind, I'll let THEM humiliate you!"

"Nice one!" Dorothy nodded at Duo.

"NOW!!" Wufei shrieked.  "Let's see who is a LOSER!  Let's play… the WEAKEST LINK!"

"Let the repetition begin." Duo slurred.

Intense music began playing as piercing strobe lights focused on each player.  Quatre shriveled at the sight of it but held his ground.  Relena made as if to leap into Heero's arms, but was greeted by his outstretched hand, rejecting her.  Although she waited, his hand blocked her ideas.

"Start the clock!  Relena!" Wufei called out threateningly.  The trivia had begun.

Q. What major city calls itself the 'Windy City?'

A. (Relena looks genuinely confused) Chicago?

Wufei:  That's correct!  (The chain moves to $1,000)

Q. Heero, what is Dolomite?

A. Dynamite?  TNT?  Explosives?  (Heero gets a peaceful expression)

Wufei:  No.  It's a mineral found by limestone.  ($0)

Q. Milliardo, what are the names of Angelica's parents in the rugrats?

A. What?  What do you mean?

Wufei:  WRONG!  It's Drew and Charlotte.  ($0)

Q. Dorothy, in the Bible, who's name was changed to Israel?

A:  It's Jacob… haha!

Wufei:  That's a correct answer.  ($1,000)

Q. Trowa-

Trowa:  Bank.  (Really bored.)

Q. Who conquered the castle of Elvas, Portugal?

A. Geraldo Geraldes.

Wufei:  That's right!  ($2,000)

Q. Quatre, what was the first newspaper to be owned by William Randolph Hearst, senior?

A. I'm ready!

Wufei:  NOOOOOOO!  STUPID DOLT!  It's the San Francisco Examiner!  ($1,000)

Q. Duo, what is a dodecagon?

A. (gasp)  (Duo remembers the stumper handed to him on Who Wants to be a Millionaire.  What shape has three equal sides?  Wasn't this question kinda like that old one?  He decided to guess!)  A polygon with twelve sides!

Wufei:  ??  (shocked)  WHAT… that's right… (looks depressed)  ($2,000)

Q. Hilde-

Hilde:  Bank!

Q. The national anthem of Greece is how many verses long?

A. 158!  (Starts jumping up and down with vigor)

Wufei:  (snarl) That's correct.  ($3,000)

Q. Relena, what relationship was Jesus to John the Baptist?

A. Long lost siblings?  (glances at Zechs miserably)

Wufei:  Well ain't that cute?  But it's WRONG!  Heeheehee!  They were cousins!  ($2,000)

Q. Heero, how many time zones are there on the Earth?

A. (does amazing mental calculations, produces a scientific calculator from his non-existent pocket and punches figures patiently, uses a black marker to make notes on his wooden podium, scratches head)  …

Wufei:  Make up your mind, LOSER!  What is your ANSWER?

Heero:  (while Wufei fumed, Heero creates a three dimensional model of the Earth and begins to draw dotted lines on it)

Duo:  Heero!  Just say 'pass,' so we don't lose all our time!

Heero:  (draws an in-depth sketch of landscapes, complete with Japanese notes scribbled about hastily)

Wufei:  …  …  …  HURRY!

Heero:  (holds up his hand as Relena tries to see what he is doing, and proceeds to open the lid on his laptop computer)

Wufei:  COME ON!

Heero:  (raises eyebrow)  24.

Wufei:  24 what?  Oh… yeah.  That's right.  ($3,000)

Q. Milliardo-

Milliardo:  Bank!

Q.  What is the… (buzzer sound) …time's up!

            Everybody sighed indignantly.  Heero had taken _forever_ on a simple question and also generally annoyed everybody.  How did he carry all that junk into the place without even a pocket to speak of?

            "Alright," Wufei looked pleased.  "You _fools_ have banked a _ridiculous_ sum of $3,000.  That is of course, out of a possible $125,000… but nobody was expecting much from you, anyway.  Now it's time to vote off-" A cameraman zoomed in on Wufei's face dramatically.  "The WEAKEST LINK!  Vote!"

            Reluctantly, everybody began to cast their votes.  Much glancing was shared, and everybody looked at least a _little_ suspicious of somebody else.

            "And now the votes!"  Wufei lifted his hand energetically.  Yes, he was definitely enjoying this.

Relena:  Relena… no WAIT that's ME!

Wufei looks insanely pleased.  "Nope, too late, can't change your vote!  HAHAHAHAH!"

            Heero:  Duo… (snorts as he remembers the bet that he and Duo made before the show)

            Zechs:  Heero.  (looks at Heero with despising eyes… what does Relena see in him?)

            Dorothy:  Heero!  Make war, not peace!  (gives audience the peace sign)  Have you blown up a building lately?

            Trowa:  Heero.  (shows little regard)

            Quatre:  …  …  …  (pushes the button to reveal who he voted for, but all that is seen is a delicate scribble)

            Wufei:  What is that supposed to say?

            Quatre glanced around sheepishly.  "Do we _really_ have to be so cruel to one another?  Everybody tried _so_ hard!"

            "Vote, you weakling!"  Wufei leaned over his podium dangerously.

            "But these people are my _friends_, and they would never ever vote against _me_!  I just can't bring myself to do it!"

            "Fine, that's one vote for Quatre."  Wufei chuckled maniacally.  Quatre looked almost satisfied.

            Duo:  Heero!  Blue hair, blue hair, blue hair!

            Hilde:  Heero!  I'm with you all the way, Duo!

            "That's it, then!"  Wufei clasped his fingers together in an evil moment.  "Trowa… why did you vote for Heero?  Worried he might take center stage later on?"

            "No."  Trowa raised his eyes.  "He is statistically the most invaluable player if he wastes time like that.  Regardless, it was an easy question."

            "YOU!!!"  Heero searched for his gun, but in vain.  "I will see _you_ after the show, Trowa."

            Trowa is not amused.

            "Duo," Wufei continued.  "Why Heero?"

            "Because he is going to look _so_ funny with blue hair!"

            "That's the only reason you picked him?"

            "Of course!"

            "WEIRDO!!!!" Wufei regained his composure with a bit of effort.  "Heero Yuy, you _ARE_ the WEAKEST LINK!  Goodbye."

            In a rage, Heero abandoned his position and marched off the stage, being careful to shoot evil looks to Trowa and Duo respectively.  He also saved a certain special death stare for the host himself.

            "Heero!" Relena cried.  "Don't leave me!!!"  In a sudden burst of inspiration, Relena darted after Heero.  "We'll face this together!"

            Wufei watched her go by in surprise.  "Eh… well… they're BOTH THE WEAKEST LINK!!!!  Goodbye."  And then it was time for commercials!  And… a backstage interview with the Weakest Link!

            "They are all going to regret this."  Heero is seen in backstage with Relena draped over him.  "How _dare_ they vote me off first?  I _will_ triumph, regardless of their stupidity!"

            "Oh Heero!" Relena smiled affectionately.  "It's too late now, sorry."

            "You fool!  They will pay!  Just you wait!!!!!!!"

            The remaining players conversed quietly during the break.  Apparently, Duo was not satisfied with his recent victory.

            "Hey Trowa!" Duo chatted.  "If you get booted before me, you and me will have a nice long conversation that you have to actually contribute to.  Want to make that a bet?"

            "…" Trowa didn't seem to notice the American.

            "Come on!  You can bet something against me too, you know!  It's _fun_!"

            "Can I banish you to Siberia?"  Trowa studied Duo's face icily.

            "Eh?  What do you mean?  Why do you want to get rid of me?"

            "…"

            "Okay fine!  It's a bet!"

            "Knock it off!" Quatre raised his voice.  "Stop making bets!  You're creeping me _out_!!"

            "Wanna make a bet, Quatre?" Duo chuckled.

            "No!  I wanna be done with this… it's freaky!  It's worse than that Survivor show!"

            "If I get kicked off before you do, I'll go on peace talks around the colonies!"

            "Really?" Quatre's eyes widened.  "That would be great!"

            "But if _you_ go first," An evil glow surrounded the pilot of death.  "You have to drink an alcoholic beverage!!!"

            The Psycho stab sound plays.  Screams and gasps are heard.  A single dissonant organ chord rings through.

            "Hoo boy… really?" Quatre weighed the decision carefully.  It would be extra nice to have Duo come with him on peace talks.  "It's… a… bet."


	2. Part 2

            They were informed that filming would resume in a few seconds.  The remaining players prepared for round two of… the WEAKEST LINK!  Ah man!  Now I'm doing it.

            "Welcome back to the WEAKEST LINK!" Wufei shouted at the camera.  "Let's begin round two.  We will start with the _strongest_ link from the last round… that's Trowa." He paused for good measure… or perhaps he just didn't have a new insult prepared.  "Start the clock!"

Q. Trowa, what is the name of the Cape at the southernmost tip of Africa?

A. Cape Alguhas.

Wufei:  That's correct.  ($1,000)

Q. Quatre, how many cows does it take to supply the NFL in footballs for one year?

Quatre: !?!?!  _What_ happens to the cows?!  What do they have to do with football, they can't play!  (tears well in his eyes with a sudden realization)  It _can't _be!

Wufei: That is completely incorrect!  STUPID IDIOT!  The answer is approximately 3,000 cows.

Quatre:  But _what_ happens to those 3,000 cows?!  (oblivious that he is interrupting the flow of the game)

Wufei:  That doesn't matter, WEAKLING!

Quatre:  I can take it… _somebody_ please tell me!

            Trowa glances at Quatre.  "I don't think you want to know, Quatre."

            Quatre returned the glance.  "I _must_ know!  _What_ in heaven's name do cows have to do with the NFL?"

            Duo starts chuckling, which gets Hilde going.

            "You don't want to hear this." Trowa insisted.  "It would upset you.  And if you're upset, everybody's upset."

            "You people don't have to protect me!  I can't believe you won't tell me about the cows!!"

            Trowa sighed miserably.  "Fine.  The footballs are made out of the cows."  And with that, he returned to his solitary world.

            Quatre's eyes grew wider and wider as the fact became clear.  He envisioned cows being driven into a slaughtering pen, only to return into the world as a sports ball.  And then he pictured large football players kicking full sized cows around a football field.  And the cows were all mooing and had big sad eyes.  "Nooooooooo!"  Quatre broke down and fell out of sight.

            "Never takes a _word_ of good advice, does he?" Duo smirked.

Q. Duo, how many bones are there in the inner ear?

A. It depends on how many pieces they're broken into.  (said very matter-of-factly)

Wufei:  ??  A broken bone does _not_ count as more than one bone.  ($0)  The answer is three, bonehead, though _you_ might have a few extras.

Q. Hilde, in Greek mythology, who were the god Zeus' parents?

A. Eh… Cronos and Rhea?

Wufei:  Correct.  ($1,000)

Q. Zechs, why is the sky blue?

A. (wonders for a moment if that is a rhetorical question)  Because… blue wavelengths are smaller than other colors.

Wufei:  Yes.  ($2,000)

Q. Dorothy-

Dorothy:  BANK!!  Blow up the bank!  Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Wufei:  (looks confused) Of all the planets in this solar system, which is the largest?

A. Whichever one withstands the most explosions without losing mass.

Wufei:  (hits his forehead) NO!  It's JUPITER!

Q. Trowa, what is the square root of negative one?

A. That is undefined.  (Trowa looks a little sleepy.)

Wufei:  That is absolutely right.  ($3,000)

Q. Quatre-

Quatre:  (nowhere in sight) Bank!  Boohoohhoooooocows.

Wufei:  What was the last animal to be tamed as a food source?

A. Ooooooh, the poor cows… (sobs uncontrollably)

Wufei:  (almost impressed) That's right!  Cows is the answer!  ($4,000)

Quatre:  WHAT!?!?!?!?!?  _Food source_?  We _eat_ FOOTBALLS?

Q. Duo-

Duo:  Bank.

Wufei:  In which Dr. Suess book did the word 'nerd' first appear?

A. Oh!  That's my favorite one!  If I Ran the Zoo!

Wufei:  You _read_ that crap?  Oh well, that's the right answer.  ($5,000)

Q. Hilde-

Hilde:  BANK!  (Long buzzer sounds.)

"And time is over for this round!"  Wufei clasps his hands together.  "You managed to bank a miserable $5,000.  That is of course out of a possible $125,000.  Do I even have to tell you all how ROTTEN that is?"

Shameful feelings abound.  "We tried." Hilde fumed.  "You're just mean."

"We'll see who's mean after you people vote off… the WEAKEST LINK!  Begin voting NOW!"

Again, everybody consumed their selves in condemning somebody else.  The only mutual feeling was that Wufei was being quite horrible today.

"It is time to REVEAL the votes!" Wufei said.

Zechs:  Quatre.

Dorothy:  Quatre, you should be _stabbed_!

Trowa:  Duo.  (is Trowa concerned about that bet?)

Quatre:  (his screen reads: SAVE THE COWS)

Wufei:  I'm accepting that as a vote for Quatre.

Duo:  Trowa.  (looking sly)

Hilde:  Trowa.  (obviously in cahoots with Duo)

            The lighting in the room changed abruptly, after the votes were tallied.  Wufei looked at everybody through narrowed eyes (doesn't Wufei _always_ have narrowed eyes?)  "Quatre, what is _wrong_ with you?  Do you realize you've voted for yourself every chance this game?"

            Quatre looked defiant.  "We _must_ save the cows!  I'm going to start an extensive campaign, and this is a perfect way to spread the word." He waved at the camera seriously.

            "You have feelings for worthless heifers, but not for any of our sanity.  You realize watching you compete is sheer torture.  You should go join the cows in their natural habitat."

            Quatre looks inspired.

            "ARGH!" Wufei groaned.  "Voting for Quatre are you Zechs?"

            Zechs looked stunned at the attention.  "Who me?"

            "You're very good at answering a question with a question, aren't you?  Why Quatre?"

            "Nothing personal." Zechs notices Quatre's 'big sad look.'  "But he's FREAKING ANNOYING!"

            "Well said." Wufei nodded.  "Quatre you ARE the WEAKEST LINK!  Goodbye."

            Quatre walked the shameful path, all the while petitioning members of the audience to join his anti-NFL group.  "I say we jail anybody with wide shoulders on the suspicion of cow-kicking!!!"

            His backstage interview was equally interesting.  "I know that together we can save these innocents from slaughter!  WE CAN SAVE THE COWS!  Join me in my quest!"

            "And now for a short commercial break from our WEAK SPONSORS!" Wufei winked at the camera hastily.

            The commercial break was an opportunity to relax.  There was nobody present who didn't feel a little guilty about booting Quatre… except for maybe Dorothy.

            "I'll get _him_," She meant Quatre, of course.  "Him and his little _cows_, too!  I'll wage a leather war!"

            "Why do you despise him so?" Trowa queried calmly.

            "Because he wastes his power and squanders opportunities to unleash some mad violence!  He's a total _square_, man!"

            "Square," Duo recited.  "A rectangular shape with four equal sides.  With the rectangle of course being a quadrilateral with mutual perpendicular axes.  A quadrilateral is of course…"

            "He's been studying." Hilde confided.

            "That's no excuse to hate somebody." Trowa persisted.

            "Oh no?  Since when did I need a reason… _you_ never do!" Dorothy remarked snidely.

            "I have a reason."

            "Oh really?  Do tell."

            "The entire world is a waste of my time, including all it's inhabitants, particulars, etcetera.  That's why."

            "Oh… I like you, wanna start a war!?"

            Trowa gave up.

            "Hey Wufei!" Duo called.  "Wanna make a bet!?"

            Wufei emerges from backstage.  "I'm not interested you foolish imbecile."

            "Hey man, the camera's not rolling!  You should save all those cutting lines for the show!  Anyway, wanna make a bet?"

            "Like what?"

            "If I don't win this game, I'll take _everyone_ up on their bets with me!"

            Wufei considered.  Heero told Duo to shut up for a year!  Oh how nice.  Trowa banished Duo to Siberia!  Even better.  Quatre had him doing cute peace talks… entertaining.  "And my own?" Wufei raised an eyebrow.

            "Sure, why not?"

            "You'll have to eat a Bucket O' Rice™ without gagging once!"

            Duo grimaced.  He hated rice!  "Alright.  And if I _do_ win, you have to join Quatre on his cow quest!"

            One last consideration.  "Done, weakling!  That is a _bet_ for men!  I will take you down!"

            Filming resumed.  The reduced group became more suspicious of each other.  After all, only one person would be left standing.

            Wufei raised his voice shrilly.  He began his beginning of round speech when another familiar voice pierced everybody's ears.

            "Ah-ha!  @^$%@*# There you are, you #*$&!"

            "Eh?" Wufei turned around just in time to face an extremely furious hostess… _the_ hostess of the Weakest Link, in fact.

            "Get off _my_ stage you #*$&((@^!" She ordered.

            "What are _you_ doing here, woman?  I thought I got rid of you!"

            "What did you do, Wufei?" Dorothy queried.  "Because I think I'm going to like the sound of it!"

            Wufei shushed her with his hand.  "This weak woman doesn't know how to run a simple game show!  I locked her in a closet so I could get this job done right!"

            A string of profanities emitted from the hostess' mouth.

            "Those are WEAK words, woman!"

            A better string of profanities emitted from the hostess' mouth.  Wufei was knocked down easily.

            "Where did you learn to _speak_ that way?" He moaned.  "And how did you ever get a show on broadcast television with that vocabulary?"

            "I never would host a show with a group of Japanese anime characters, anyway!" The hostess remarked.

            "What's an anime?" Zechs asked innocently.

            "You are all _cartoons_!" The hostess replied.

            "I'm not a car tune!" Duo was angered.  "That's insulting… I assume, since it came from _you_!"

            "We're real people!" Hilde said.  "Even though we appear to live in an alternate Universe than this one, and can answer history questions from several centuries beyond our records!"

            "You know," Said Dorothy.  "This strange theory would explain _you_ people's immortalness.  I swear you can't be killed!"

            "Call it skill." Trowa was unimpressed.

            "This is ridiculous #*&$^!" The hostess stormed.  "_Have_ your idiotic competition.  @#$^*&@#(*%(#^%*&@$(*@&(^%&#$*@(#&*^%*&^#$(*&@%(*#&($&&%#&$(*&#(*$^#&%^(#&$(*#&$*(^%&(&#(!" And with those last sweet words, she left.  Everybody was a little shocked.

            "She's _mean_!" An unexpected conclusion by Trowa.

            "Who cares about that stupid woman?" Wufei was still recovering from the barrage of cussing.  (Thus the lack of CAPPED words in his statement.)  "Let's play the WEAKEST LINK!"  (There, that's more like it.)

            The round went as expected.  Trowa and Hilde seemed to have an edge on the competition, while Duo did some astounding work with random geometry related questions.  Zechs seemed preoccupied with Dorothy's insistence of the necessity of bloodshed.  In her own words:  "Let's just start a massacre right now, okay?"

            "And it's time to vote off… THE WEAKEST LINK!" Wufei was looking more exhausted after the recent special guest appearance.  "Begin voting."

            Zechs:  Dorothy… can't you ever STOP?

            Dorothy:  This is IMPORTANT!  Besides, I voted for you.  (Her screen displayed Milliardo's name.)

            Trowa:  Milliardo.

            Duo:  Trowa.

            Hilde:  Milliardo.

            "Hilde," Wufei yawned.  This wasn't so fun anymore.  "Why'd you pick Milliardo?"

            Hilde shrugged.  "I think he should get a haircut."

            "And Duo _doesn't_?"

            "No!  Duo is rugged!  Milliardo looks like a _girl_!"

            "Gasp!  That is a _low_ blow woman!" Wufei said.  "Dorothy, why Milliardo?"

            "He used to be so cool!" Dorothy admitted.  "But he hasn't blown _anything_ up in the last ten minutes and that is really uncool."

            "WEIRDO!  Anyway… Milliardo, you ARE the WEAKEST LINK!  Goodbye."

            Unconcerned, Zechs exited.  His backstage interview was predictable.  "Don't really care.  I'm going to go blow some stuff up now."

            "Those Peacecrafts are so out of character!" Wufei announced.  "THEY ARE BOTH THE WEAKEST LINKS!  See you after the commercials!  Goodbye."

            "Soooo, Trowa." Duo relaxed for the break.  "Getting nervous about that bet?  If you've noticed, I've already won quite a few today."

            "…" Trowa looked but said nothing.

            "Yeah, be quiet for now, because after you lose, you'll be having that nice long conversation with me… gotta save your strength!"

            "Why do you even want to talk with me?"

            "Because… because… … … you're… … … …"

            "Hn.  I agree."

            "Because you always make me feel so left out, man!  You talk to everybody except me!"

            "…"

            "SEE!"

            "…"

            "As a matter of fact… nobody ever chooses to talk to me, do they?" Duo's purple eyes looked really pitiful.  "You guys SUCK!"

            "Okay fine.  That's enough for now."

            "I want to talk to you, Duo!" Hilde whined.

            "Not now, Hilde."

            "But DUO!"

            "I'm busy talking to my _friend_.  DO YOU MIND?"

            "HEY!  Don't talk to me like that!" But Duo chose not to talk to her at all.  Hilde fumed inwardly.

            "Next round!  Start the filming." Wufei was becoming impatient.  "Let's GO people, time is money, GO GO GO!" At his request, the cameras began rolling.

            "Okay, welcome yada yada yada." Wufei rolled his eyes.  "New round, same rules, getting boring, start with strongest link, pay attention you ridiculous slobs.  Start the clock!"

Q. Hilde, how many sheets of paper are there in a ream?

A. I don't know.

Wufei:  HAHAHAHAHAHHA!  There are 500.  ($0)

Q. Dorothy, what is two added to two?

A. Four.  (gives two peace signs)  Four for WAR!

Wufei:  That is correct!  ($1,000)

Q. Trowa-

Trowa:  Bank.

Wufei:  What… (dramatic pause) is your _name_?

            Trowa looked shocked.  What kind of trivia was this easiness?  What a silly question, who doesn't know their own name?  Eep.  Wait a minute… I am a nameless soldier who has lived on the battlefield for as long as I remember… but that's not the right answer.  "…"

            Wufei:  Don't hold up the team, Einstein.

            Okay let's see.  Trowa pondered seriously.  I'm not Trowa… not No-name… "I don't have a name!"

            Wufei: Sure you do.  I'll give you a few more seconds.

            This is cruel!  "Fine.  Trowa Barton is my name."

            Wufei:  WRONG ANSWER!  The answer is… Triton Bloom!  ($1,000)

Q. Duo-

Trowa interrupted with concern.  "WHAT?  Did you just make that up?"

            Wufei looked exasperated.  "Of course not… _Triton_."

            "Triton… Bloom as in…?"

            "Yes.  That Bloom.  As in Catherine Bloom."

            Trowa is devastated.  "This SUCKS!  I am related to that _circus freak_?  OH MY GOSH!  Tell me you're kidding."

            "It's true." Dorothy confided.

            "Yeah!" Said Hilde.

            "Well, duh!" Duo snorted.

            "You all knew that and you never told me?" Trowa was looking a little emotional.  "How'd you find that out?"

            "Don't you ever go on the Internet?" Duo asked seriously.  "All the official information can be found there!  You really didn't know?"

            Trowa fell dead silent.

Q. Anyway, Duo, what is your Quest?

A. (a scream from backstage)  SAVE THE COWS!!!!

Wufei:  That is _not_ your quest, Duo.

Duo:  Hey I didn't get to answer myself!

Wufei:  Too bad… LOSER!  ($1,000)

Q. Hilde, what is your favorite color?

A. Blue…

Wufei:  NO IT'S NOT!!!!  ($1,000)

Hilde:  What?  What do you _mean_ it's not?  You are bugging out!

Wufei:  I am the host.  I am always right.

Hilde:  So _what_ is my favorite color then?

Wufei:  Huh?  I don't know that!  AHHHHHHHHH  (Wufei flies into pit of oblivion ala Monty Python and the Holy Grail)


	3. Part 3

The gathering observed as Wufei crawled out of the pit of oblivion back into his host spot.  "Thanks to that ridiculous moment, you LOSERS have lost all your time this round and only pulled through with $1,000 measly bucks.  This is getting really embarrassing you WEIRDOS.  I can't believe I actually fought beside some of you jerks.  Anyway, it's time to vote off the WEAKEST LINK!"

The people only did what was required of them.  Even though nobody really wanted to make any enemies out of this particularly deadly group.

Dorothy:  Hilde.

Trowa:  Duo.

Duo:  Triton.

Hilde:  Dorothy.

            Wufei became vicious.  "You idiots have created a four-way tie!  I wish I could declare all of you the WEAKEST LINK, but instead, the strongest link gets to make a deciding vote.  That just so happens to be Dorothy.  So which of these SPACEDORKS will you choose?  You can either stick with your vote for Hilde, or choose somebody else."

            "Oh goody!  Feel my wrath!  I am all-powerful now!  I choose… Trowa!" Dorothy chuckled.

            "Who's Trowa?" Trowa said.  "There's no Trowa playing today."

            "What are you talking about, Trowa?" Dorothy glared directly at him.  "You can't get out of this the cowardly way!  Come on Wufei… tell him he's the WEAKEST LINK!"

            Wufei shook his head.  "You have to use the contestant's actual _name_, cheesehead."

            "That _is_ his name!  Trowa Barton, sitting right there!"

            "You are really confused." Trowa said.

            "Yes, Dorothy." Wufei looked pleased again.  "The only acceptable name for that guy, (points at Trowa) is Triton.  Or of course, I think the judges would let Spiky-headed mute slip through."

            "I can't BELIEVE you're being so PICKY!" Dorothy wailed.

            "Well I am." Wufei pointed at her.  "And in penalty for your mistake… Dorothy, you ARE the WEAKEST LINK!  Goodbye."

            Dorothy slinked from her spot moodily.  She pointed at Trowa (or whatever) threateningly.  "I'm going to stab your friend for that!"

            "And now for more commercials!" Wufei grinned.  "You gotta love them commercials!"

            The remaining troupe (including Wufei) laughed.  That had been quite an amusing round.  However, the mirth ended abruptly when everybody else noticed Trowa laughing, too.

            "What?" Trowa shrugged.

            "You shouldn't laugh, Trowa… it's kinda freaky." Duo reminded.

            "I'm not Trowa!  I'm happy, joyful Triton!"

            "Ugh.  We've created a monster, guys." Hilde recoiled.  "I want you to be depressing, suicidal Trowa, again!"

            "Why?  Why do you want to interrupt my meaningless joy?"

            "Because… you have nothing to be happy about!" Duo winked at Hilde.  "Because now that you're facing off against us… you don't stand a _chance_!"

            "YES!" Hilde threw Duo a high-five.  "There's no stopping us now, Duo!"

            Trowa looked bewildered.  "You're betraying me?  Your new friend, Triton?"

            "We don't know _you_." Duo reasoned.  "You're not that _guy_!" He laughed.  "Ever notice how I love calling people _that guy_?"

            "This backstabbing is INJUSTICE!" Wufei complained.  "Oh well.  Better _you_ than me."

            "I can't believe it!  You don't like me?" Trowa/Triton asked.

            "Nope." Hilde smirked.  "I didn't like the _other_ you, either."

            Filming resumed.  It was apparent who would conquer this round, and take the money home.

            "This is the last round where somebody will be eliminated through the vote." Wufei announced professionally.  "Let's get to it, shall we?  Last turn, you voted the strongest link off the show, so we'll start with the _second_ strongest link, Duo."

            Inevitably, Hilde and Trowa dominated.  It didn't really matter regardless.  Triton was crestfallen at the betrayal his 'friends' had offered him.

            "And the vote!!" Wufei's voice was getting immensely hoarse.  (Has he said a sentence _without_ exclamations marks yet?)

            Trowa:  I vote for Duo.  You stinking, slimy, backstabbing…

            Duo:  Trowa!  (confidence)

            Hilde:  Trowa!  (confidence)

            Wufei was astonished.  "Are people really _that_ dumb?"

            "What do you mean?" The couple started.

            "That is an illegal vote you MORONS!"

            "What do you… Ahhhh Hilde, I can't BELIEVE IT!" Duo stomped his feet aggressively.

            "We made the same mistake Dorothy did!" Hilde put her hands to her face.

            "So what do we do now?" Duo wailed.

            "_I_ vote." Wufei announced.  "I kick Hilde off.  Women shouldn't compete on television.  GET OFF THE AIR, WOMAN!"

            Hilde was stunned.  "I… I… you're my only hope, Duo!  You've gotta win!"

            "You can count on me!" Duo assured her.  "Have a little faith in me.  If I can handle a Gundam, I can handle this!"

            "Yeah right.  Well in _that_ case… you had just _better_ pull through, Duo.  If I don't get a trip to the Bahamas, you're going to come home to the _COUCH_!!!!"

            "Hilde," Wufei said.  "You ARE the WEAKEST LINK!  Goodbye."

            Hilde couldn't contain a few of the tears that escaped her as she ran past Wufei.

            "This is the final commercial break, folks.  When we return, the final two links will battle it out for ultimate supremacy."

            Duo glared…

            Trowa/Triton glared…

            Duo narrowed his eyes…

            Trowa/Triton doesn't need to narrow his eyes.  He has little eyes.

            Duo raised an eyebrow…

            Maybe Trowa/Triton raised an eyebrow.  Can't really tell because of all that hair.

            Duo exploded.  "PLEASE, Trowa!  I NEED to win this!  Especially after that embarrassment on Who Wants to be a Millionaire!"

            "…"

            "I have to take Hilde to the Bahamas!  I mean… it's the COUCH we're talking about here!  Did you hear me?  The COUCH!"

            "You are an evil friend."

            "Well, yeah.  I'm the God of Death… but that COUCH can destroy me," he snapped his fingers.  "Like _that_!"

            "I have no pity for you.  I will defeat you." Triton had reverted back to Trowa.  "I am depressed and suicidal.  I'm afraid that Dorothy is killing Quatre with a knife right now, but I have no feelings so he can just die."

            "That's really _deep_, man." Duo comforted.  "But… if you're serious about that suicide thing, could you maybe hurry it up so I can win by default?  I have a spork here that you could stab yourself to death with!"

            "I would prefer an explosion."

            "Yeah!  Like I said!  An explosive spork!"

            "Oh really?  I've never seen one of those before.  Very tricky."

            "Yeah!  And handy when you get hungry, too!  Just don't bite too hard!"

            And then it was time.  This was the decisive moment.  Last round's total money had been doubled, and so would this round's.  And it was just the two of them… head to head.  Nifty, eh?

            "This is it!" Even Wufei was excited.  "Last round for money!"

            Trowa had an enormous advantage over Duo.  With his ingenuity, they managed to bag a total of $12,000 after it had been doubled.  Trowa was proclaimed the strongest link.  The amount of money earned throughout the game had risen to $31,000.  A pitiful amount according to Wufei, but definitely enough for a trip to the Bahamas.

            "Alright.  For this _final_ round, you will each be asked five questions.  The player to get the most questions right will bag the bucks.  Good luck to both of you… this has actually been kind of fun."

            "Good luck." Trowa nodded.

            "Same to you." Duo shook Trowa's hand sincerely.  "Funny how it came to this, eh?"

            "Are you ready?" Wufei realized how much he enjoyed this role.  "Then let's play… the weakest link."  (Amazing!  He didn't scream the WEAKEST LINK!  Ooops.)  "Trowa, you were the strongest link last turn, so you have a choice.  Will you go first, or will you have Duo go first?"

            "I will." Trowa gulped.  There were bets on stake here.

            "Your question is: What is a soufflé?"

            "This is _food_ isn't it?" Trowa said with distaste.

            "You have to be more specific."

            "Hmm.  I'm not particularly familiar with food…" Duo and Wufei noticed how ridiculously thin Trowa _was_.  "Is it whale?"

            "No, sorry." Wufei shrugged.  "It's a dish made with whipped eggs.  Your turn, Duo.  What does 'CO2' stand for?"

            "Eh?" Duo muttered.  "Stupid physics… stinking _cheap_ question!  I'm gonna say Crummy Outtakes 2.  That was a _great_ show!"

            "Sorry.  It stands for Carbon Dioxide.  You two are tied.  Trowa, what is an emoticon?"

            "Ah." Trowa nodded.  "A method of expressing emotions on the Internet.  Example:  J  L."  (how'd he give those examples?)

            "Yes!  Duo, how many years are in a century?"

            "One-hundred." Duo sighed.

            "Exactly!" Wufei cheered and then caught himself.  "Er… yes that's right.  The score is 1-1.  Trowa, what is a dénouement?"

            "That is the climactic moment of a plot." Trowa actually smiled.

            "Yes.  Duo, which is the small, cute, yellow, Pokemon mascot?"

            "What is a Pokemon?" Duo scratched his head.

            "No, I'm sorry.  It's Pikachu.  The score is 2-1, in Trowa's favor.  Trowa, what kind of meat is Pastrami made out of?"

            "Food!?" Trowa bowed his head.  (he could put an eye out doing that with his hair)  "Mincemeat?"

            "No.  Beef." Wufei answered.

            "Save the cows!  SAVE the cows!  Save the COWS!"  Hmm.  I wonder who that was.

            "Duo," Wufei continued.  "What is an arachnid?"

            "EEEEEEEWWWWWWW!  It's an icky, wicky spidey!" Duo recoiled.

            "Spidey?" Wufei questioned.

            "Er… Spider.  They're DISGUSTING!"

            "That's a correct answer!"

            "Icky… wicky?" Trowa smirked.

            "The score is 2-2.  Trowa, what is an anime?"

            "Aha!  It's that fictional thing the _real_ hostess was talking about!" Trowa pointed to nothing in particular.

            "More specific." Wufei urged.

            "It's… a tune car!" Trowa guessed.

            "No… it's Japanese animation… hmm.  I wonder what THAT is?  Anyway Duo, if you get this question right, you will win the $31,000."

            "Not to mention all those bets!" Duo leaped.

            "And here it is… now think carefully… this is for _everything_.  What… is… a… TRIANGLE?"

            "YES!" Duo cheered.  "It's a geometric shape with three equal sides!"

            "That is absolutely, positively, without a doubt, the righ…" The sound of high-pitched sirens, and a telltale door smashing to the ground interrupted Wufei.

            "Chang Wufei!" A husky voice demanded.

            "Present…" Wufei noticed policemen entering the studio.  A detective approached him.

            "You are under arrest for the kidnapping and restraining of the _real_ hostess of this game show.  You have the right to remain silent.  You ARE UNDER ARREST!  Goodbye."

            Wufei glared with disbelief.  "INJUSTICE!"

            "Wait!" Duo ordered.  "You have to declare me the winner!"

            Wufei assumed a huffy attitude.  "I don't feel like it." The officers applied handcuffs to him.  "As far as I'm concerned… You are ALL the WEAKEST LINK!  Goodbye."

*          *          *

            Quatre didn't notice the cold.  He didn't notice the snow.  He hadn't even noticed Heero Yuy's blue hair yet.  Quatre was very drunk, and very removed from the entire Siberian landscape.  "And I suggest, hic," he began slurring.  "We replace the animal, hic, products, hic, with… OVAL STONES!"

            A confused crowd stared at him and his silent assistant.  Quatre was accompanied by Duo Maxwell, utterly silent, and consuming a Bucket O' Rice™.  Sitting next to Duo on Hilde's old couch was a nameless soldier who wouldn't stop talking for anything.  On the other side of Duo, was a stressed woman, obviously disgusted by all the current activity.  Hilde leaned on Duo sadly.  "I wish you could still talk!"

            Duo shrugged and kept eating.

            "Because then we could have an argument the PROPER way!  I can't believe you blew it again." Hilde shook him and a few bits of rice fell to the ground to accompany the snow.

            "I wish he could talk, too!" Trowa babbled on.  "Because I have to have a PROPER conversation with him, which will never happen if he can't talk!  I'm running out of things to say!" Regardless of his last statement, Trowa continued on.

            "This will remove, hic, all presence of cow products, hic, from the NFL!" Quatre swayed as a result of the alcoholic beverages he had been downing.  "And what's good for Cow, hic," he stroked a rather large cow who stood with him on the snowy landscape.  "Is good for, hic, everyone!"

            "I don't know… it suits you!" Relena ran her fingers through Heero's cerulean hair.

            "Don't do that." He demanded.  "I look ridiculous.  But I'm going to hold Duo to his own bets." He reminded Duo of his Oath of Silence by glaring obnoxiously.

            "So to prove that these rocks, hic, are a suitable replacement for cowfootballs, hic, I will have my assistant Duo, hic, demonstrate." Quatre beckoned to Duo who approached mournfully.

            "Kick it." Quatre gestured at the stone football in the snow.

            Duo looked skyward and kicked the rock.  He spent the next several minutes after that clutching his foot and hopping… but thanks to Heero's presence, silently.

            "See?" Quatre fell onto Cow.  "It works great!"

            "And look at that, Quatre fell onto Cow, I wonder what's going to happen now…" Trowa continued pointlessly.

            Cow promptly knocked Quatre to the ground and stepped on him angrily.

            "ARRRGH!" Quatre got up… slowly.  "What are you doing you stupid cow?"

            "Mooo." Cow was defiant.

            "Don't talk like that to me!" Quatre's eyes seemed unfocused and blank.  "I'm RICH!"

            Cow snorted and continued to pummel the blonde pilot.

            "That's IT!" Quatre shrieked.  "Get this mass of meat AWAY from me!  I HATE cows!  You know what?"

            "What?" Trowa answered hopefully.

            "I suggest we all sign a petition to… SAVE THE FOOTBALLS!" Quatre reached for another martini.  "Who's WITH me?" And with that final effort, Quatre collapsed into a snowdrift.

            Sneaking up in a yellow parka came Dorothy Catalonia with a fencing sword.  "I warned you, Trowa!  I'm gonna get him this time!"

            "No no no no no no no no." Trowa found this an adequate word to fill his non-ending, one-sided conversation.

            Dorothy approached the snowdrift evilly but Relena picked up and hurled the stone football at her.  WHAM.

            "Oo." Relena watched Dorothy drop.  "That was fun."

            All that could be seen of the would-be murderer were two gray eyebrow tips sticking out of the snow.

            "Nice throw." Heero looked surprised.  "So… you really like this new hair?"

            "Yep!" Relena smiled.  "It's just so… so… YOU!"

            Heero accepted that.

            "So now," Trowa gabbed.  "We just have to wait one year for Duo to regain his voice, so we can have a conversation, so I can un-banish him from Siberia, so we can all leave!  It's all so simple!  I can't stand this… save me somebody!"

            Quatre emerged from the snow.  "And after you save the footballs… save the TROWAS… or whatever his name is…" He reentered his snowy pile with a WHOPFH sound.

            And so ends a tale of mystery, suspense, murder, comedy, intrigue, romance, or most likely, none of the above!  Two figures, with snow lightly covering them are unnoticed by a rather odd gathering.  Heero and Relena standing next to each other, conversing about permanent hair colors and whatnot.  Duo and Hilde on a couch, sharing a Bucket O' Rice™.  Trowa talking to himself painfully.  And of course, who could forget Cow, sipping Quatre's abandoned martini.

TheGWF: That was crazy!

Elly: (Snaps a pin on her shirt that reads: SAVE THE FOOTBALLS) I agree!

TheGWF: What's up with the pin?

Elly: Oh you know… drunk Quatre makes a few compelling points.  We _should_ save the footballs!  Or are they… feetballs?

TheGWF: Elly… you ARE the WEAKEST LINK!

Elly: (sticks her tongue out)  I know.  So anyway, for those of you who have read all the way here, and would like to contact us…

TheGWF: Address all fan mail to me!  Elly handles the hate mail.

Elly: No I don't!  Anyway… the e-mail address is:  DancingMoogle@hotmail.com We really do appreciate any and all comments our readers might have.

TheGWF: And just let me say… DUDE, you ARE the WEAKEST LINK!

Both Elly and TheGWF:  Goodbye.


End file.
